Thursday, April 22, 2010

Acquiring Zen

Last night, my stress took a turn - for the better.

After months of worrying, strategizing, and making plans and preparations that would get overturned the next hour or day, I reached my limit.

You know about the move to Casper: Todd's job stationed him there effective April 1.  The other part, that I haven't shared here, is that Todd has also been going through the interview process for a game warden job in his home state of Wisconsin.  The Great "W" State Debate (WI versus WY) has been going on since December and last month it looked like Wisconsin was going down.

But Wisconsin is a fighter.  Just when you think Wyoming's delivered the final blow Wisconsin jumps up with another swing.

If it were a boxing match it would be something like this:

Wyoming: "Take that Wisconsin! Here's a raise for Todd to make it more difficult for you to use 'better pay' as a reason to go back!" Jab, jab! Uppercut!

Wisconsin, after a brief rest on the side: "Oh yeah...?!  Well, Todd's mom wants to sell the property!"  Right cross.

Wyoming, reeling from this particular blow, comes back:  "Ok.  Ok.  What about your sorry excuse for a pension and the elderly age Todd will be when he's vested!" Left hook.

This sends Wisconsin to the corner for a squirt of water and a towel down.  "Whew. Almost had me, Wyoming.  But take this - the family neighbor has passed away and Todd's always hoped to add to his parents' land!  The wife's putting it up for sale!!!"

Wyoming: "WHY won't you just go down for the count already??  Ok.  Kim's got a job here.  Todd's got a now good-paying job here.  Todd gets a Game and Fish-supplied home if he stays here.  You can't beat these numbers, Wisconsin!"

But Wisconsin doesn't cave.  Wisconsin knows how to mess with your head.  It's not just uppercuts and right crosses, oh no.  Wisconsin gets inside, playing on heartstrings and taking you for an emotional ride.

And that's where we've been.

We had no choice but for Todd to go to Casper, so we've been doing our best to make that work: I've been telecommuting two days a week from there, we've been living in our little apartment with Rigby, and have been trying to figure out which W state would win.

To top it all off we've been looking at homes in Casper, many of which are overpriced dumps that leave much to be desired.

One house, in "The Big Tree Area" really caught our eye, and for the last three days Todd has been going through the place and talking with the owner, all while we try to get pre-qualified before another person we know of makes an offer.  

And last night was it.  My breaking point.

I could feel the stress sitting in my chest.  I drank a (large) glass of wine, took Rigby for a walk and then Todd called.

He'd talked to his mom.  There was discussion of selling the property.  I could sense he was torn.

It was in that moment, somehow, I found clarity.  I told him he needs to get all his remaining questions and concerns about Wisconsin answered.  If it means going there, we'd figure it out.  The house we were trying to get pre-qualified for just didn't matter.  If Wyoming won and we missed this opportunity, we'd have another.  I have friends whose parents are realtors up there - we'd regroup with them.

In an instant my chest cleared up.  I had reached a point where I knew we couldn't control it anymore.  The only thing we could control was how we dealt with the decision.  I truly gave the bigger decision - where we go - over to God.

I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true.  And since I had that realization I have felt very...Zen.

I also don't think it's coincidence that Alison Krauss' song Jesus Help Me to Stand suddenly came on my as I am typing this...


MOM said...

That definitely does NOT sound cheesy. Giving it over to GOD was the best thing you could do. I agree, it's in how you react to all the confusion,etc. That's how GOD comes in. It's all a test, too, to see where your loyalty each other, to GOD, to what you want, and on and on, until you realize you're happy to be together, and it will get figured out. Anyway, congratulations on making the offer, and hope it turns positive. Love you both. You two hang in there.

Stacey said...

Giving it over to God is what you need to do and helps!! Zen, a feeling of relief and peace when you know that God now has control over it and you've stopped fighting him on his plan. Doesn't it feel good to pass the buck to him? :) Congrats on the house and I bet you were cracking up while you typed the whole boxing scenario, huh? I was. I could picture you being very Meg Ryan on You've Got Mail when she's chatting with Tom Hanks about her shop. :)

artemisia said...

I am so glad you found that moment of clarity - that we really can't control much in our lives - and released that anxiety.

I am thinking of you guys! I have to admit, I hope Wyoming wins.

Kelly said...

Yep, let God handle all these huge decisions. Life would be so much less stressful if we all just "let go and let God," as they say.

MOM said...

I agree with all of you. Stacey, that's right...Meg Ryan is pretty good in her scenario. I love that show.